Congratulations are in order to all those who were honoured by the president this week as being Commercially Important People (CIP). The Ass, feeling left out, called up the organisers demanding more transparency in the criteria used by the judging panel to come up with the list only to be told that donkeys, despite the hard work they do, don’t qualify. Unlike Very Impotent Persons (VIPs) who are a dime a dozen in Nepal, CIPs have various elite privileges and perks such as:
1. Exclusive access to the public toilet at the departure area of the Thiruvananthapuram International Airport
2. Visa exemption for travelling to Niger, Chad, South Sudan, and a one-way entry permit into the DPRK
3. Unhindered access into Singha Darbar via ladder and over the wall from Anamnagar side to avoid queues at the South Gate
4. Fast Track at Narayanhiti to procure new MRP by 2015
5. Exempted from breathalyser tests at Mapase Checkpoints throughout Nepal during the forthcoming wedding season
6. Double Bonus Points in Nepal Airlines Frequent Flier Miles that can be redeemed retroactively on flights to New Delhi, which haven’t operated for five years
7. Excused from attending the excruciatingly boring Nepal Army Shivaratri Circus at Tundikhel in future
8. By showing CIP ID Card, one shall not be required to pay mandatory bribes at the Department of Transportation Office for vehicle registration for a period of two years starting now
9. In pursuant to Bullet Point 8 (above) will also be exempt from Extortion Drives at Gunpoint by the Dash or Cash Baddies for as long as the CIP Card remains valid
10. Non-Hindu CIPs can sneak into Pashupati if they so want
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Every day we get new proof that the Nepal Police takes its job seriously and is living up to its proud motto: “Ever Vigilant”. After training its sniffer dog squad to smell not just drugs and explosives, but also bribes, police have now brought in Nepal’s first Lie Detector Machine. No kidding.
And to show just how effective the polygraph machine is, the chief of police got himself all wired up the other day and administered himself a lie detector test. The Ass is glad to report that the chief passed the test with flying colours and did not tell a single lie when he answered the following questions in the affirmative:
** Is the Police Force rife with graft and corruption?
**Have you cooked up the figures to show that robberies are down in KTown?
**Is it true you have to asslick the ncumbent Home Minister to get a promotion?
**Half the gold police seize from mugglers disappears, yes?
**Did money change hands below the table for affiliation for the Police Hospital?
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It’s not true when people say that Nepali politics is moving at a snail’s pace. Actually it is not moving at all. The CA has convened and the NC has got its PP chief. But the UML and the Cash Baddies still have to sort out their internal power struggles. Only after that will the NC and UML start talking about a joint gobblement. MKN desperately wants to be in Shit–all Niwas and will agree to Jhusil Da as PM only if he gets that pound of flesh. After living as a hermit all his life, Jhoos now wants the creature comforts of Balu Water’s sunny lawns so desperately, he is willing to dump Ram Baron if that is what it takes. He got Ram Poodle to vote with him against the Brave Lion after assuring him that the PMship is his after one year. RCP fell for it. But what MKN hasn’t taken into account is that KRR has no intention of going back to being CJ and is also keen on being prez and has powerful backing.